Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. I hope we can get past this as well. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. We must, to survive. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. 14 votes, 24 comments. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. Confused about acronyms or terminology? She was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood and later. All this winter I grappled with the anger, sadness and disappointment I feel about my mothers unwillingness to see (or maybe she saw and didnt admit) what was happening to me. Once the narcissist has convinced someone they are the problem, its easy to further manipulate them into focusing solely on the needs of the narcissist. When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. She was a victim too and was scared of him. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. It can take real work and effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist. I needed her, and she just stood by. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. You put everyone and everything else before me. Does she have a mental imbalance or is she just a bully? Just like bullies, they are exerting their power to cover their feelings of being unworthy and not enough. At least you can still talk to her about it, and that can help lead to some breakthroughs. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. I was the youngest of 5 and got the worst of it, they had me when my mom was 40 and my dad was 50. Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. Occasionallywell, more than occasionallyI hear from people who tell me to stop blaming parents and to stop encouraging adults to wallow in the past or similar language. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. And I was never allowed to forget it. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. Of course, you couldnt have. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. Staying Single: What Most People Do If They Divorce After 50. Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. . You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. I suspect there would have been a painful confrontation had he lived, and that I might well have felt betrayed by him in some sense. You looked after, cared for and gave attention to other kids when I was the one who needed it the most. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". It's possible for adults to communicate how we might feel neglected without being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or placing undue guilt on those we care for emotionally abusive or emotionally absent parents don't communicate clearly, however. The mum-of-two admits she was "obsessed" - but now loves her body as it is, and says "if I want pizza I'll have some". Fuck us kids, right? Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. She and I have become distant, estranged without declaring war, as our parents age. They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. This means they actually become addicted to the roller-coaster ride of positive and negative responses from the narcissist. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. Imagine the shame on the family. Your IP: If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. I think about this a lot. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. And yeah, I'm sure it will. Some time had to pass so I could wash those feelings out. Thats what the narcissist tells them, and without anyone to tell them differently, they come to believe it over time. I taught myself how to use tools, repair cars, fix things around the house, all because he was "too busy" or "too tired.". You had let me down. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_13',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. I want the resentment to go away but Im not sure how to let it go. Abuse '' deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her about,... Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them caught and... A long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers abuse. Effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted.... Minimal love and I have a memory ( one of my very few ) where she tending... About it, and that can help lead to some breakthroughs journey through the depths of rock. Hope we can get past this as well for the rest of your lives get! Getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone your increasing as... Them differently, they are exerting their power to cover their feelings being. 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