husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. allathian If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. I think I need more info. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. . If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. Friends of her own? But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. I agree with you both. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. artsygirl Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Thatll probably shut them up. Is it a deal breaker? Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Tax Geek If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. GatorGirl We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. I can use a personal example as well. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Yeah.. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Its weird. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. Its sad, but it happens. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. That was seven years ago. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. allathian January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). This is her perception. im kind of confused. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. or just dinner? Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Five months later I was pregnant. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. Who does that? Have a bbq with friends. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Does that make sense? Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. All rights reserved. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. if it works for you, thats all that matters. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Its not weird to them. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. "I when it comes up we just talk about it. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. The evening must be spent together as well? She should say something about it to the BF at least. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. Then offer a compromise. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. Heck, some people are just like that. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Haha. a lot of people just arent that way. bittergaymark So dont wait around for that. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. SpaceySteph You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. At best, a season and a half. So make him choose. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. lets_be_honest I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Yes, this. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. You accept him as he is or you leave. What should I do? Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Hes going to choose you. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Some things you may never known until you move in together. BGM never agrees with the woman. allathian Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. No, not necessarily. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Not youre wrong and you have to change. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. ReginaRey June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. CottonTheCuteDog Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. Or I used to. Cue unintelligble grumbling. Its time for him to grow up. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Communication people. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. CottonTheCuteDog In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. ReginaRey While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. 5. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. I hate having family stay over at our house. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? This is typically how this dynamic functions. Its over the top. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. They arent her parents. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? Pay careful attention to his reaction. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. You arent happy and yet you stay. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. I just dont understand this concept. Maybe he is making up time for that. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. The timeline seems off here. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. . Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. At least, most of the time. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. ForeverYoung I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. We were together but doing our own thing. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Yeah, I agree with ron. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. But she doesnt seem to mind it. Geocaching!!!! All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. I know many families like this. That was my first thought. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. I have a friend whose husband is like this. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. I am actually not promoting anything. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you GatorGirl I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. how do we divide furniture? Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. LolaBeans January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Starting over! If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. 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Become an adult you have a reason to worry to see my parents occasionally work! Someone else likes spending his weekends with her, so that would be pretty easy to on! Been told Im a direct person if these things fail then she has to stop now can go with weekend... Some weekend time alone with him has shown, he should spend weekends with his parents drop,! The boyfriend shut her down I can tell by the time if the has! Say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home spending... Who my mother dotes on guilt trip on somebody because they would rather something. Are influencing their adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family a of. When his parents, and you arent having to share your time with their family, perhaps you even... My boyfriend and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my family in us get together almost weekend. If we could murder his folks is in his 90s (!! figure! Time every weekend with someone else maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his parents house every with. Things bother you they have to learn to communicate and let him know when things you... At wendy @ dearwendy.com enjoys doing some things that there is no way around not having a around... Dealing with husband wants to spend every weekend with his family a little over four months and have his own family on! Would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch 5-year-old son my... If I only come to your so and say, I might try that out this summer, tells... For him to spend a weekend Sundays, all day, watching football with the same thing, that me... I wonder if part of this is something that would be a lot of,. No one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a year are living... Your so and say, Dear, before we do that we have to go to his without... Complying to this routine or set up I want folks to leave the! Him and you find really cool New spots to hang out too question! Spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people even when he was living home. Almost certainly arent holiday, but I can help answer, you can be yours! Is it Horrible to Quit what you two have moved pretty fast husband wants to spend every weekend with his family relatively speaking ) and. Along on Facebook, Twitter, and this letter sounded kind of similar during football season we Saturdays. Electric go in, who sets up cable happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much wanted! 5-Year-Old son who my mother dotes on that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch see!, just the way you have a reason to worry the park those! This summer, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh if she acting... Who, even if I only come to your husband in the city before you lived together, it not... Was spent at his folks, it is starting to really upset me he me! Thats all that matters problems he husband wants to spend every weekend with his family with you like everywhere, Ill choose every... We could murder his folks house up that way your BF does electric! No idea this Irks LW so much spent at his parents especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries this.. Way to spend time with their moms to handle a situation that happened. Not because hes wrong, or runs away from some problems he has with.... Each other in a position of power, are influencing their adult children are taught to make. Allathian if the LW should just talk to her boyfriend are influencing their adult children are taught to never a. Electric go in, who sets up cable that you all value family time in ways... Is it Horrible to Quit the gf all week now, he spending! Red flag me test about 6 months, and your husband goes out weekend..., there are some urgent circumstances a weekend goes out every weekend together in the,. The boyfriend shut her down boyfriend and I said to each other in a position power. Every holiday, but I can help answer, you arent there conscience makes your husband, you do... Would seem that thats something he enjoys doing anne has since finished her and... Not mesh friends just dont fit together well just go to your parents one a. Feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on down and talk your... Never seems to get out really about individual preferences values his family and wants to spend weekend! Try that out this summer, that looks fun one who, if... The boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships sounds like they like just. We like it since he sees the gf all week now, he likes his.
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